This is just going to be a small update - the last 2 weeks haven't gone so well for me and even though I feel like I've been working hard, I don't feel I have anything to show for it. Last week I was feeling fairly positive and was working towards showing a garment at New Designers with the rest of my class, as well as aiming to get my first garment made, and then I had a tutorial which totally knocked my confidence and halted my creative thinking. I don't always respond so well to negativity, unless it's something that I agree on too (that's something I need to work on), and I'm not very confident about my own work/situation right now anyway without anyone saying anything. I then also had to go home to London for a hospital appointment which took a few days out of being at the studio, and whilst I was home I felt like I lost all energy and motivation due to comments earlier that week.
I discussed it a lot with my parents whilst I was home and they tried to help me to remember why I am doing what I'm doing in the first place. I know I want to take it back to my original co-ordination idea, and I thought of a good idea of having a printed skirt with three matching printed tops for different occasions, e.g t-shirt, fancier strappy top, so that it has the potential to look like several different dresses. But the coordinated set could be swapped with a plain set too, and I guess this would be really suitable for a holiday wardrobe. I came back to uni this week with a plan to try and get a few toiles done, despite feeling negative. I had an idea for a top I was really excited about and then I had a tutorial and again everything came to a halt. We worked together to create a brief outline of a coordinating collection, and now I just need to fill in those slots with chosen designs. My tutor has suggested to have a solid line up done for next week and then choose what to make from that. So then I felt like my time was better spent out of the studio and at home designing and collaging like crazy in attempt to get a lineup done. (this is my own fault as I should've had it done ages ago really, but I find 2D design really hard) I always feel guilty being away from the studio, but I find I can't design there (1. because I find it easier to have a lot of space, and my computer/printer beside me, and 2. it's full of distractions), and unfortunately I feel it's not something I can catch up on in one day out of uni. In fact I have spent the whole week designing (and will be this weekend too) and I'm still no where near finished. But I feel bad because I should be at uni making, but how can I make if I don't know what I'm making? And if I toile for the sake of it, then I'd be wasting more time like I have done with all the other stuff I was making which now isn't being used. (this upsets me a lot to be honest)
One thing I did do this week which I enjoyed was I went to the Hive Summer School session, which I signed up to a while ago. The Hive is basically this place at my uni which help people to set up their own business, which is something I've been keen to do for a while now. The day wasn't what I was expecting at all, I thought it would be a lecture but instead it was group activities plus lunch provided (although I couldn't eat it because - gallstones!). Everyone was really friendly, and dare I say it - it was fun. We've got to send them our 'business plan' (which isn't actually a business plan, it's this new method thing which sounds way less intimidating) by mid July and if they like our idea they will help us from there.
So in terms of going forward with my work, at the moment I am feeling extremely down. I'm trying so hard to plod on but feel everything is out of reach, and it's really hard seeing everyone else complete garments are getting excited about New Designers. I'm now not going to New Designers, and I don't think I will even go down to see the exhibition as I think I should focus on my own work. A few people in my class suggested dying one of my finished toiles from a few months ago, as it didn't look like a toile except for being made out of calico. So I thought - what do I have to lose? If it turns out well, it will go to the exhibition, if it turns out bad then never mind. So I bought two boxes of dye (like £5 each!) and did it in my student accommodation washing machines (which I was nervous about), so that was another £5.40 for two washes. It came out well covered and blue, except it looked very pale to the bright colour it should've came out. Not only that, it shrunk by about 3 inches as the lining was longer than the skirt - which my tutor did warn me might happen. To be honest, at least I gave it ago - even if it was expensive and a failure. I decided it wasn't worth my time to fix it when my time could be better spent.
So yes, I'm going to try hard this weekend to get as many designs done as possible and hopefully get a semi-final lineup done for Monday. In terms of print and fabric, I don't know what to think anymore. As much as it would be nice to have a border print stripe, I think I would be better off just having a solid stripe designed by me (because I have searched so hard to try and find an already designed stripe that fits with my collection and have had no luck), and I was becoming fairly happy with my yellow/pink stripe idea. But again - halted for now whilst I decide what I'm making. I'm trying so hard not to give up and stay positive, but with time running out I'm finding it so hard. And my tutor says to me she worried about me - but I do enough worrying anyway, so now I'm just petrified. The word 'defer' was mentioned, which is out of the question as we couldn't afford to defer me, plus I just don't think it's suitable. I still have my extension though, and it has been suggested it's extended to the 1st September - which gives me a little comfort. However, most of the uni will be shut down in that time, e.g. no print machines, or technicians. So yes, my amount of worrying is off the scale right now and like I said - I'm trying so hard to not give up even though I feel beyond negative right now.
Sorry that this is such a negative post, but I feel I have to be honest about my journey.